


I’m So Very Far From Fine

by argentress



Series: Pretty Sounds [6]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Blurryface Era, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Panic Attacks, References to anxiety, Tyler is a human weighted blanket
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 20:43:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19894060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/argentress/pseuds/argentress
Summary: Tyler searches her face for some recognition of what’s going on, but the older girl still seems so far away. “What can I do? Do you want some water?”“Can you hug me?”“What?” She’s already turning to ask Mark for a bottle of water when the words come, soft and desperate.“Can you hug me, please?”





	I’m So Very Far From Fine

**Author's Note:**

> I write about Jos comforting Tyler a lot, it’s about time Jos got some comforting of her own.

The knock on the door is quiet, apprehensive even; they know she doesn’t like to be disturbed while she’s preparing for the show.“Hey, sorry, Jos needs you.”

Tyler gives Mark a quick nod, following him out the door and down the hallway. Jos’ dressing room is only a couple doors down, close enough that Tyler reaches it in five long strides.Tyler expects to find her sitting at the mirror, applying her red eye makeup, or on the couch, fiddling with her tie, but that’s not the sight that greets her. Instead Jos is standing in the middle of the room, back to the door, motionless. Tyler’s eyes meet Mark’s, worry clear on his face, and the boy shrugs. 

“Jos?” Tyler walks up slowly behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, what’s going on?”

Jos meets her eyes as Tyler comes around, looking like she’s pushing her way through a fog. They’re unfocused and searching, as if she doesn’t really know what she’s seeing, and Tyler’s heart drops in her stomach. Only one eye is rimmed in red, and Tyler fixates on it, like a target. It makes her other eye look impossibly dark. “Baby, are you okay?”

The older girl shakes her head slowly and Tyler continues. “Can you tell me what’s going on?”

“Couldn’t get my tie.” Her voice is soft, distant, like she’s not really sure what she’s saying. Tyler glances down at her throat, where the tie rests. It’s knotted loosely, incorrectly, with a messy quality that Tyler knows came from doing and undoing it numerous times, in rapid succession. 

“That’s okay, I can do it.” Her hands reach out, already black with paint, and nimble fingers undo the tie before knotting it deftly. She slides it up toward Jos’ throat, but holds off an inch or too from tightening it completely. “See? All done.”

Jos’ face doesn’t change, her brows still knitted together. Tyler watches her chest rise and fall; short breaths that don’t seem effective. The other girl’s fingers move quietly down at her side, rubbing and twisting, movements quick and constant. Tyler slides a hand off the tie and onto Jos’ chest, right above where she can feel her heart thundering away.“Jos?”

Tyler watches as a tear silently rolls down the other girl’s cheek. Jos’ hand doesn’t move to wipe it away, now clenching and unclenching at her side. “I’m okay.”

“You don’t seem okay. Baby, you’re crying.” She watches another tear roll down the other girl’s face. 

“It’s just the adrenaline. It’ll stop.”

Tyler searches her face for some recognition of what’s going on, but the older girl still seems so far away. “What can I do? Do you want some water?”

“Can you hug me?”

“What?” She’s already turning to ask Mark for a bottle of water when the words come, soft and desperate. 

“Can you hug me, please?The pressure—“ A long pause, and Tyler holds her breath. “—helps.”

She doesn’t answer, instead walking up to her slowly and wrapping her arms around the other girl. Jos’ arms are trapped between them, a buffer against Tyler’s chest. Her head rests on Tyler’s shoulder, and the younger girl can feel her warm breaths against her chin. In through her nose, out through her mouth, over and over again slowly, just how Jos’ therapist taught her. When they’re this close Tyler can feel Jos’ heartbeat in her chest, like both are contained by one pair of ribs, straining against muscle and bone. She moves her chin to rest over Jos’ head, the familiar scent of coconut in her nose, curls soft against her skin. 

“Tighter?” 

The voice is soft, though steadier, and Tyler moves without thinking, pulling the other girl closer against her chest. The breaths continue, slowing with each repetition, and Tyler focuses on the measured inhale and exhale. Jos is motionless, her breathing the only indication that she’s still there, body solid and warm against Tyler’s. She pulls her in tighter once more, hands fisting in the sleeves of her jacket, dark black on a field of crimson. Jos lets out a small sigh, and Tyler realizes that her heartbeat has slowed, no longer thundering so loud that she can feel it. Both of them blink slowly, eyes refocusing, as if coming out of a trance. 

“Thanks.” Jos’ voice is a whisper, but she doesn’t pull away, staying tight against Tyler’s chest. 

“Of course.”Tyler places a soft kiss on the crown of her head. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just—it was the tie, and then I tried to do my make up and I couldn’t do that right and, and it just all caught up with me.” Tyler nods her head slowly against the curls at her chin. “Doesn’t help that I am chock full of period hormones right now.”

Tyler laughs softly, giving her another quick squeeze.“Having a uterus is fun.”

“So fun.”

“Do you wanna finish getting ready?” She asks the question, but really Tyler’s not ready to let go yet. 

“Yeah.” The word is a sigh, already filled with exhaustion, and Tyler aches for her. “Don’t leave though, okay?”

“I won’t.” 

She places another soft kiss on her head before breaking them apart, her arms slow to untangle. Jos turns back to the mirror, sliding her tie up the rest of the way, until it nestles into the hollow at her throat. Tyler takes a few steps back until she can sink into the couch, hands coming to settle in her lap. She watches as the other girl slowly picks up the make up brush, loading it with color, before raising it to her skin. Before she starts she catches Tyler’s eye in the mirror, a small smile breaking out across her face. Tyler returns it easily and is gratified to see Jos’ cheeks pink up delicately, visible even under the bright red of her eyes. 

\- - -

The show goes fine. No mistakes for Tyler to agonize over, no glaring issues that Tyler feels like she has to make up for with one-sided conversation, but she spends most of the show watching Jos, and she’s acutely aware of it. To the older girl’s credit, it’s hard to discern that she’s struggling. She never misses a beat, smiles at Tyler across the stage, and even manages a few moments of tongue-out rebellion that remind Tyler of the early days.But she knows her too well.Knows the laughs that come a beat too late, sees the stutter in her movements when she’s unsure. And Tyler knows this one’s a hard one. 

The older girl excuses herself almost immediately at the conclusion of the show, taking a quick shower and disappearing onto the bus. Tyler doesn’t press her. Even now, when their crew has grown exponentially, Jos is still usually one of the last to leave, checking and rechecking her drums, making sure they’re packed away safely. No one will fault her for needing a night away, for wanting a moment to breathe. Tyler certainly doesn’t. She goes through her post-show checks at her normal pace, looks over some footage with Mark, and makes her way to the bus after a warm shower. 

It’s hard not to think about the early days, when she’s surrounded by everything that’s changed. After so many nights spent on the old mattress in the back of the van she still can’t quite sleep well in the bus, her ride too smooth and her bed too soft. The only thing that hasn’t changed is Jos: both of them sharing the mattress, or crammed into the same small bunk until it got to the point where Tyler couldn’t sleep on anything bigger than a twin with all that  _space_. Now the back room has become theirs, and instead of the walls of the bunk they surround themselves with pillows and blankets and each other. 

Tyler knocks softly on the door, before opening it slowly. “Babe?”

There’s no reply, and Tyler enters to find a seemingly empty room, pillows and blankets piled on the bed where they’ve left them. A hand appears from within the pile, reaching out toward her, and Tyler smiles at it affectionately. Her own hand reaches out to meet it, fingers tangling together, and she lowers herself softly onto the edge of the mattress. The bundled mass that is Jos moves slowly towards her, until a cheek is pressed against her knee. Tyler’s hand finds soft curls, and strokes them slowly. 

“You okay?”

“I can’t get comfortable. There’s not enough blankets and my head won’t shut up and my fucking uterus feels like it’s eating itself. This heating pad is useless.”It comes out in a rush, muffled against the soft pile, as an electric heating pad emerges from the depths to be discarded on the floor.“Was I okay?”

The last few words are soft and apprehensive, and Tyler continues her methodical strokes along her hair. “You were perfect. But be honest, how much of you was actually on that stage tonight?”

“70%?” Not even Jos sounds sure, and Tyler’s stomach clenches with her own anxiety. 

“We should have delayed, given you a little more time.”

“No. It was fine, I was fine. I just wanna sleep now, why can’t I sleep?”The exhaustion in her voice is clear, and Tyler would do anything to make her feel better. 

“I have an idea. Scoot over.”She watches as the pile of blankets shifts, toeing off her shoes and shrugging off her sweatshirt, before pulling down her jeans and leaving them on the floor behind her. 

She parts the blankets like a sea, slipping in between the waves and settling into the mattress. Jos moves next to her, sliding out of the way before slotting back into Tyler’s side, where she fits perfectly. This time Tyler keeps moving, rolling over until her body rests on top of the other girl, head under her chin, legs tangled together, arms wrapped around her torso. She leans off just a bit, not enough to make her feel unbalanced, but just so Jos doesn’t get her entire body weight. The other girl wriggles a bit until they both seem to find the perfect arrangement of limbs and bodies, settling into each other until it’s hard to tell where Jos leaves off and Tyler begins. 

“You said pressure helps, does this help?” Tyler whispers, her lips pressed against the other girl’s throat. 

“Yeah.” Tyler feels the reply as a breath across her hair, tickling softly at her scalp. Goosebumps break out over the back of her neck and she shivers. 

Warm hands slowly wrap around her, calloused fingers finding soft skin at the base of her t-shirt and the nape of her neck. Tyler sighs softly as Jos’ fingers run through her hair, sliding down her back until they reach the end, and starting all over again. Their chests fall and rise in unison, breaths in through their noses, out through their mouths. Tyler feels each exhale across the top of her head, goosebumps followed by soft strokes of fingers. It’s mesmerizing. 

She presses a soft kiss into the skin of Jos’ throat, freckles so clear in her mind, even though they’re hidden in the darkness. Jos’ skin is a galaxy of freckles, new constellations waiting to be drawn and named. Someday Tyler will name them all. With each breath she falls further and further down, into the sweet release of sleep, a peace she’d never known before Jos. Just before they both slip off a quiet voice whispers in the dark. 

“I love you, Tyler.”

“I love you, too.”


End file.
